The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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