i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
