Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Naked Twister starts at high noon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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