Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
