vagina is talking i cant
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
