he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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