i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
