Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
