What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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