Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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