I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
