Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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