Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
