I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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