just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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