My room smells like vodka and shame
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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