I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
