A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
