best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Someone came in the potted fern
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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