I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
