Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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