just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sober January is a disaster.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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