Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
