if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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