i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My vagina is officially offended.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
