I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
