last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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