I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
