i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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