sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
