I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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