smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
