If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
