I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
