Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
