my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
