Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
