Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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