I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
