I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
