i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
