I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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