i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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