So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
