All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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