Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
