you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
