Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
