FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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