i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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