i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
